The New Normal

Hello, World!

I haven't posted anything particularily deep or personal in a long time - for some very good reasons.

First of all, this blog is both personal but also connected to my art website so I've often been torn between how much to share - is it unprofessional to give out information that you would share among friends? Second, how much do you share not only with people that may or may not be your clients or patrons/esses but the general public? Is it self indulgent and what is the word I'm looking for...exhibitionistic? In my life, I don't hide much. I don't feel uncomfortable sharing aspects of my life, painful or ugly or wonderful or plain mundane - just as I LOVE hearing others' stories. So maybe it doesn't matter if I share with the WHOLE WORLD (or the fraction that stumbles upon this blog). And really, everyone shares everything nowadays, my small bleat of personal hardships will more than likely get lost in the noise. In other words, big whoop, Karin.

The other reason I haven't posted: since about the end of 2009 my life started to get very challenging. Let's just say I got lost. Do I share those challenges? Because they are hard and ugly and painful. But then I think, maybe it would be helpful to others? Or is that just an excuse for my exhibitionist side. Don't know.

But anyway. I am writing now so I suppose I have already made my decision - I will tell you a little of where I've been and where I am now.

Lord where to start. I guess I'll just cut to the chase: mid 2010 I had I guess what you would call a nervous breakdown. I was suicidal-ish and spent a week at Overlake Psychiatric Hospital and a week as an out patient and since then spent a lot of time with both a psychiatric nurse and a psychologist. How did I get there? Well, turns out I have an "anxiety disorder".

I've always been a sensitive soul, and in the past I've been diagnosed with mild depression, exacerbated by the fact I lost my mother to cancer when I was 18 years old. But over the past year + I see now that it was more that I had anxiety that lead to depression. So what is anxiety? We all have it, I just have it in excess. I have a hyper-sensitive nervous system, and my brain does not make enough serotonin, a neurotransmitter that affects mood. My fight or flight process is activated much faster than a healthy one - leading to excessive worrying, negative doom like thoughts and self image, paranoias, and difficulty trying new things. Growing up it manifested as social anxiety, excessive blushing, and a desire to isolate. I also had a severe paranoia of driving! I didn't get my license until I was 20 years old and it still took a few years to be able to feel comfortable behind the wheel.

So I've had this "condition" in a manageable amount through out my life, until a series of events happening in close time proximity to each other basically shorted out my nervous system. That's probably not the medically correct description but it is what makes sense to me. I had a child - wonderful, but exhausting on both body and brain; my daughter suffered some health issues (she's fine but they were very stressful at the time); I and my family moved; immediately after moving we left the country for a 3 week visit to my father in Norway that included some stress about my father's declining health; we returned to a bird mite infestation of our house that forced us to move out for a month; more issues with my father and fear for his health; and then what was the "tipping point" for me: I found out I had precancerous cells on my cervix. This is highly treatable but my ability to regulate my fear response was gone and I started to have pretty much constant anxiety, especially because my mother had died from breast cancer. This was exacerbated by the fact that my bladder suddenly started to hurt - hurt A LOT - which was later diagnosed as Intersticial Cystitis - incurable. So I decided to go on antidepressants, which in the past had helped in other situations. I went on Zoloft because I was still nursing. Didn't work. Made it worse (though helped with the bladder pain). I suffered for a month waiting for it to work but things got worse and worse. I started having burning sensations on random parts of my body and severe back pain - all which lead me back to the internet where I self diagnosed all kinds of horrid things. Finally I decided to switch antidepressants to Celexa, which had worked in the past - and weaned my daughter so I could take it. However, I was started on what turned out to be a much too high a dose for where my brain was at and within a day went completely nuts. It was horrific. I ended up in the emergency room and the next day begged to go to the hospital. I was so afraid that this was my new normal and I couldn't accept it, didn't want it, would rather be dead.

This was the best thing that could have happened to me, and my family. My in-laws drove out from Montana immediately to help my husband with my daughter while I was gone and to help when I came home from the hospital. My drugs were re-calibrated with the help of the hospital psychiatrists and then my psychiatric nurse, and with time -about 4 months - I was no longer having daily anxiety. I changed what I ate and incorporated more exercise into my life (ZUMBA!) and follow many anxiety reducing practices other than just the medication. I started to feel like I wasn't in the dark forest anymore - though it was tentative hope.

At this time my father, who was spending the summer in Norway, returned home deathly ill. He had diverticulitis which had resulted in a complication called a fistula, which required surgery. He had lost 50 lbs in 3 months. The surgery was relatively routine but unfortunately he was of a 2% group that had the surgery go awry, which lead to a month in the hospital and rehab. He came out of rehab and went home for a week, in which time he became deathly dehydrated and had to go back to the hospital. At this point, my brother and I decided he had to live with one of us. My brother currently was remodeling his home - so that meant dad would come home with me.

You'd think this would cause me more anxiety - instead it was a RELIEF. I finally didn't have to worry about what was going on or if he was taking care of himself because I would be there. So I took care of him, with help from my family and visiting nurses and the doctors and surgeons. He started to put back on his weight and was going to go back into surgery to have an iliostomy reversed. Then we were going to continue his regime of weight gain and strengthening - and had made the decision that he would move to Whidbey and live with us or near us. I was very happy about this. But it was not to be. On February 24th, he laid down for a nap, and had a heart attack and passed away. He was 67.

We had the memorial service in May and buried him in Norway this past month.

Where we buried my dad

The view from where my dad's resting place is.

So New Normal. Grief. Growth. I have so much that I have lost and gained, I cannot really tell you all. But I believe - I think - I have been through this current fire and I am on the other end. I am a new person with a new life and I'm figuring it out. We are still happy on Whidbey and looking to buy a house. I am resuming my artwork and my goal to become a kick-ass painter - and where that leads I'm not sure but I am very excited about the work I am currently doing. My daughter is healthy and happy. We have lot's of good good friends, old and new. I have connected deeply to many in my family and recognized their worth in my life - and plan on making sure that they stay part of my life, not distant. I don't know what I would do without my husband and my brother.

What else to say? I just took an amazing course on how to "write" Traditional Christian Icons, and so here is the result of that class.

Mary Magdalene "written" by Karin Bolstad

Thank you Irene Perez-Omer for a life changing experience - both artistic and spiritual (you can learn about her at iconarts.com). I'm very excited to see how it impacts my current work. I will be showing a new group of paintings in October at Prima Bistro in Langley, on Whidbey. The group is called "Chapters" and originally it was loosely themed as figurative paintings of women and books, but grew into the stages or "chapters" I've been going through since losing my father. I will give you one sneak peek of the first of these paintings. :-)

"Mourning"

16" X 20" Mixed Media Acrylic Painting

Karin Bolstad copyright 2011

Well that's where I am now. I am both thankful for where I've been and excited for where I will be going -whether it is challenges or blessings, for that is life. This month one close friend is getting married, another is engaged, and another will be having her first baby! These are all good signs! And Fall will be here soon - I adore Fall - and Scott and I will be celebrating our 6th wedding anniversary. Lulu turned 4 years old on the 18th....4! I cannot believe it! She is more beautiful, interesting, and dear to me every day.

Lulu with her new birthday pink guitar

I think that is a good place to stop. Phew, that was a LONG POST! :-)